drying up... literally

My sweet chunky little stinkbutt won't drink. He'll drink enough to get by, the morning being the best time but seriously, he won't drink. It's as if he is saying that he doesn't have enough time for the boob or for bottles. It's actually making me a little worried but his 9 month appt is just around the corner so I'll ask for some suggestions there.
The thing is, it's making me dry up. Yesterday I fed him in the morning right when he woke up and then pumped at 530. THAT'S IT! And I'm ok with the idea of not breastfeeding anymore. Technically my BF experience has been 20% BF and 80% pumping with working full time so that close bonding business only happens in the morning... AND I have about 2 months worth of milk in the freezer (I'm not kidding either) but (and this is going to sound strange) I just don't know how to be a mother without breastfeeding. I know it sounds ridiculous because Dex needs me for so much more then milk but my whole last 8 months have revolved around my boobs and nursing and pumping and yada yada yada. I'm not sure how to work this motherhood thing without it. I almost feel like I'm not as needed anymore. It makes me kind of sad.
My baby is growing up and I have to grow up with him. Do I wish that he would continue nursing more fully until he was a year? Yes. Did I plan on nursing for a year? Yes. Do I enjoy the fact that my kid doesn't like to drink because it's a waste of his time? No. Will I just have to deal with it? Yes. *Sigh... this mothering thing is an emotional roller coaster.

insatiable

I am just SO HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. I can’t get over it. I wake up shaking in the morning after not having eaten all night long; I eat 2 breakfasts and a snack before lunch. Lunch always has to be big and I need a snack before dinner and at dinner, I shovel it in my mouth so fast I barely taste it. Max is a very fast eater and I normally take about twice as long to eat my dinner but not now. Oh no not now. I inhale it. Can’t get it in my system fast enough; have to get those calories in my tummy RIGHT NOW. Breastfeeding sure plays tricks with your body. I am going to be screwed once Dex doesn’t require as much milk and I cut back. I’m so used to eating a truckload of food everyday that my body will really pork out once I don’t have those calories going to making milk.

That was just on my brain this morning as I ate 2 breakfasts worth of food for my 1^st breakfast. I have an apple, granola bar and yogurt with dried cranberries for my 2^nd and I can’t wait!

Curious behavior

As my boy is getting older and still being exclusively breastfed, I'm noting some funny behavior from him. I always have him in the bouncer when I shower so it's a little weird when my son stares at my chest when I get in the shower. Obviously he's staring for different reasons then say, his father does but still. Men and boobs. Starts early.
Also, he gets super impatient waiting for me to attach him so he's starting to pull at my bra before I can even get it down for him to eat. Impatient little bugger.
He's only 5 months old, come 6 months he's going to be lifting up my shirt and asking for more!

Vicious cycles

Vicious cycles suck.

I have to pump All. THE. TIME. Seriously. 5 times a day. I’m really sick of it. I have to pump so much because I don’t produce enough. I pump more to trick my body into thinking it needs more and I take Fenugreek to try and naturally increase my supply. I sit and pump and stress about the small amount of milk in those little bottles. In turn, the stress makes me produce less making me need to pump more.

See what I mean? Vicious cycles suck.

Alright, waa waa waa to me. Don’t worry, I just told myself to stop being such whiner and complainer. I’m very happy I have been able to feed my son with the best of the best for this long. Hopefully I can continue to do it. My son is worth every pumping minute.